Tourniquet
by luna astralis
Summary: After the death in OotP, Remus's thoughts and actions. Very angsty. Mentions of Remus/Sirius.


Disclaimer- Tourniquet is Evanescence's song. Harry Potter and all related characters are JK Rowling's... the emotion in the story is mine.  
  
Summary- Songfic to Evanescence- Tourniquet. What Remus does after the death in OotP.  
  
Warning- Remus/Sirius (the one true way) mentionings, MAJOR OotP spoilers, VERY angsty, suicide.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
+ I tried to kill the pain +  
  
Remus Lupin sat on their--his--bed, tears flowing freely. In his hand he clasped a knife of pure silver. He brought it up towards his wrist...  
  
+ But only brought more +  
  
And in one quick, slashing movement, blood spilled from his arm. He lifted the knife once more, and again and again he cut more and more, deeper, blood splattered on the milky white sheets of the bed.  
  
+ I lay dying +  
  
He gasped for breath, "Sirius..."  
  
+ And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal +  
  
Slowly, with all the strength he had, he lifted himself from the bed, and walked across the room to an old photo album sitting on fading and torn chair. Blood dripped onto the pictures as he searched for the one picture to give him comfort.  
  
+ I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming +  
  
A faded, wrinkled picture stood out from the rest. Sirius's face was staring up at him.  
  
"Wh-why?" he choked out between the falling of his tears. "Why did she do this? Your own cousin... she ki-" He couldn't say it. He had to deny it. It couldn't be true. Not Sirius Black. Never.  
  
+ Am I too lost to be saved +  
  
He watched, almost mesmerized, as blood trickled down, gushing from his sliced arm.  
  
+ Am I too lost? +  
  
Remus didn't even look up as the door to his and Sirius's bedroom opened, but he didn't need to anyway. He could feel the blue eyes of Dumbledore staring at him.  
  
+ My God, my tourniquet +  
  
"Remus."  
  
+ Return to me salvation +  
  
"Don't come near me," he didn't raise his eyes to face Dumbledore, "Please. I-I chose this. I need this."  
  
+ My God, my tourniquet +  
  
"Why, Remus?" Dumbledore's tone was not accusatory, but kind and gentle, as if it were a wounded animal, not Remus, that he were talking to.  
  
+ Return to me salvation +  
  
"He's g-gone. I can't live without him. All I can remember are the bad times. Every time I close my eyes."  
  
+ Do you remember me +  
  
"I remember thinking he was a murderer. Hating him. Wishing he were dead."  
  
+ Lost for so long +  
  
"Hating myself for still loving him. I remember."  
  
+ Will you be on the other side? +  
  
"The veil. I want-I want. to meet him on the other side. To be with him."  
  
+ Or will you forget me? +  
  
"Please. just leave me be."  
  
+ I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming +  
  
"Please... just let me die..." He ignored the pale blue eyes staring at him. "And I'll see Sirius again..."  
  
+ Am I too lost to be saved? +  
  
Dumbledore was at a loss for words. There was no easing this pain. It wasn't going to get better.  
  
+ Am I too lost?  
  
"Will I see him again?" Remus seemed scared now. his breathing was harder now. he was fading. Soon not just one, but two stars would be faded from the sky. Remus was going to be with Sirius.  
  
+ My God, my tourniquet +  
  
"Yes," Dumbledore wasn't sure how he knew; it was just something that he was sure of. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and-and Sirius and Remus would never be parted.  
  
+ Return to me salvation +  
  
Remus stared at Dumbledore, trying to figure out if the old wizard was playing some twisted joke, trying to lie to him. He saw nothing but truth in those eyes.  
  
+ My God, my tourniquet +  
  
"You are a great man, Remus. A wonderful wizard. The best friend of many people," Dumbledore said in a voice just above a whisper.  
  
+ Return to me salvation +  
  
"I want you to tell Harry. that everything. it will turn out alright in the end.Tell him to be strong," Remus breathed his last request, "And tell everyone else. I'll miss them. but I don't regret this."  
  
+ My wounds cry for the grave +  
  
His arms were ghastly white, with deep crimson red blood still flowing down them.  
  
+ My soul cries for deliverance +  
  
He stumbled across the room, all the time thinking of Sirius. He would get to see Sirius again.  
  
+ Will I be denied? +  
  
He was going to die... he slipped silently onto the bed, and into the darkness.  
  
+ Christ Tourniquet My suicide +  
  
With a small moan of "Sirius..." Remus fell to the bed, the icy breath of death washing over him.  
  
Dumbledore, still standing in the doorway, pale blue eyes still on Remus, couldn't believe what he had just witnessed. Suicide, for love. Silent tears trailed down his face. 


End file.
